Harry Potter and the Red Ball
by cazoo and dirty jack
Summary: just a rediculous fun filled story about a red thing that flies into harry whilst he was daydreaming atop his broom, and the rollicking adventures that follow... very silly, bit of a pay out, but all the same its a really really good laugh-Dave and Caz


It was a draughty day, was Saturday. The wind bellowed like an old fishwife screeching for the origins of her long forgotten fish. Harry stared dismally out into the distance. Such a grey day as well, he thought, no good for Quidditch practice. The various members of the squad raced about doing various drills while Harry floated there, staring out into space. Well...not literally space because...well you know, he's still on earth isn't he...oh bear with me people it's a figure of speech for Mike's sake!  
  
Anyway, it so happened that Hermione was staring up from the bleachers, observing Harry's daydream like state, and then went back to reading up on The Magic Book of Rotund Wizard's Throughout the History of Hogwarts. It was frightfully tiresome reading and looked at pictures of Wizards that could hardly fit into their cloaks without spilling out on all sides was as boring as it was repulsive. She closed the book and placed it on the bench next to her with a sigh.  
  
It was a frightfully dull day. Frightfully....yes I do like that word? Wanna fight about it? Well I don't so you can put that wand away...so anyway while Harry was daydreaming atop his broom and Hermione was watching Harry daydreaming atop his broom, a rather small red object came hurling out of nowhere and collided into Harry while he was daydreaming atop his broom. Well...as you can imagine if you readers have any ounce of wit Harry struggled to keep hold of his broom handle.  
  
"Down gently" he commanded it as he hung suspended in midair. All the Gryffindor team halted to watch the spectacle of Harry's impending doom. Hermione gave out a nervous shriek and ran down onto the pitch with her arms spread open as if to catch him. "Not bloody likely" snorted Ron as he floated on his broomstick by the goal posts. Then of course he realized Harry was his friend and flew quickly to his aid. However it appeared that Harry didn't need Ron's aid because Harry's broomstick obeyed and slowly floated down until Harry's feet gently touched the ground.  
  
"Dear me Harry, are you alright?" fretted Hermione anxiously, giving Harry a once over for any signs of bruising. "Yes, quite alright," said Harry, wiping the sweat from his brow. Ron floated down beside them along with the rest of the Gryffindor team and all huddled around. "What was that?" asked one. "Did you see it?" said another. "It was a flying saucer I swear it was!" cried a hillbilly that happened to be near by feeding his pigs. He was promptly escorted from the grounds. "I don't know what it was, I didn't see it," said Harry. "I did," said Hermione loudly to catch everyone's attention. Everybody stopped jabbering and silenced to hear the plucky young girl's tale.  
  
Hermione gave a little impressed "hmm" as she enjoyed being the centre of attention and began. "I was reading a book and then I stopped and I saw a red thing fly into Harry," she said. The group began to jabber again. "A red thing?" asked Ron dubiously. "Flew into Harry?" asked another. "Reading you say? A book you say?" said a rather tall gentleman with a monocle and umbrella slung on his arm. He was too escorted from the premises immediately.  
  
"Yes, I swear" Hermione persisted. "How very odd...well, I wonder where it is now?" said Harry, scratching his head in confusion. "You got lice Harry?" asked Ron, noticing Harry's scratching. The huddled group of quidditch players took two good steps back. "No Ron," replied Harry irritably. "I'm scratching my head to look like I'm confused when really all I want to do is have something to eat." At that moment a yell came from over the other side of the pitch and Neville Longbottom could be seen running frantically towards Harry.  
  
"Harry, Harry!" cried Neville from a distance. "I know what it was, I can solve the mystery. The thing that hit you was- Unfortunately, Neville being a clumsy boy, tripped on a landmine that had been placed on the Quidditch pitch for no apparent reason and was blown to shreds. Everybody turned back around and paid no attention to the scorched bits of Neville's cloak that came floating back down to rest on the pitch. "Hmm...well Neville was no help..." remarked Ron. The group all gave a murmur of agreement. Suddenly a large shadow appeared over them and they all looked up. "A'lo everyone," said Hagrid cheerfully. "How are we all today?" "Fine Hagrid," said Ron. "Umm...Hagrid, you've got a piece of food stuck in your beard," said Hermione, pointing to the spot on Hagrid's hairy face.  
  
"Oh do I?" said Hagrid, nonplussed. The large man felt around his beard until he found the offending piece of food and plucked the large turkey carcass from his beard and threw it over his shoulder. "Darn things," Hagrid chuckled. "Have any of you small, small children seen a small red thing that has a habit of hurling itself into boys named Harry who happen to be day dreaming atop their brooms?" All the children gasped. "What?" asked Hagrid. "Another turkey bone?"  
  
Before anyone could answer a shrill laugh echoed out. When the group turned to the direction of the noise they say Draco Malfoy and his two cronies...uh, what were their names...Oakley and buuford...oh I don't know, anyway...came prancing over towards the group. Malfoy stepped gingerly over Neville's smoldering carcass and walked up to face Harry. He was holding something red in his palm.  
  
"Hello POTTER...how are you POTTER. Having a nice day are we POTTER, doing well are you POTTER?" he said, by the end his eyes bulging from saying potter too much. "Malfoy do you realize you just asked me how I was three times?" said Harry calmly. "Silence!" cried Malfoy shrilly. "I am the one who will talk!" "Oh DEAR, look, Malfoy is here," announced Ron suddenly with a smile on his face. "Yes Ron...we all gathered that a few moments ago," replied Hermione, moving her head from side to side and she said it. Harry watched her hypnotically, anticipating the moment her head would roll off entirely. "Hermione, why do you do that?" "I thought it would give more dramatic effect, but it just makes me look like an idiot with a strange twitch" "Fair enough" "Look POTTER if you're not going to PAY enough attention to me, POTTER, then I'm not going to get any kicks out of insulting you POTTER" Malfoy shrieked, his eyes bulging. Meanwhile Hagrid, who had been regretfully staring into the abyss where he'd thrown the turkey, realized he was a teacher and was supposed to be monitoring the situation. "Ere' what's going on? You...Malfoy 'aint it, you're the one who always gets away with insulting me, aren't ya? Have you seen my small red thing that has a knack of chasing after people called Harry who are daydreaming atop their brooms?" "Yes you great big OAF, its here in my hand! It was I that sent it after Harry ME! And there's nothing you can do about it! Because I'm a genius! GENIUS I SAY! MWA HA HA!" Malfoy continued with his maniacal laughing until, suddenly, out of an open sewer, a gigantic snake launched it self up from the ground, made a frightfully high pitched war screech (agreement, FIGHTFULLY is a frightfully good word to use when there's no other good adjectives) , and swallowed Malfoy and the red thing up whole.  
  
Everyone looked slightly taken aback, the only exception was Harry who was rolling around on the floor clutching his sides with tears leaking out of his eyes. "Harry? Why don't you look as taken aback as the rest of us?" cried Hermione in disbelief, her head lolling about on her shoulders once more. "Well..." he started, while he was trying to ease his hysterical laughter. "Lets just say I've been giving that Parseltongue thing a bit of a go lately. It was Voldemort who gave me the idea, but instead of getting rid of muggleborns, I thought I'd just get rid of anyone who gives me a hard time' "Harry! Oh how can you be so stupid?" "What! Hermione? I thought you hated Malfoy? Oh... is it because it's 'murder' or something?"  
  
"No Harry, it's just if you do that, there won't be any more tragic stories, and it'd be the end of Hogwarts as we know it! That and Malfoy had that red thing, which was the only link to discovering the mystery of the red thing that knocked into you whilst you were daydreaming atop your broom!" "Oh ...Okay I'll stop it then....but ... doesn't Hagrid know what the red thing is?" Hagrid, who was still upset over Malfoy calling him 'great big', was wiping his eyes feverishly on his oversized coat. However after hearing his own name he was unexpectedly brought back down to earth. "HAGRID!" Screamed Ron for what seemed the 100th time. "Yes? Did someone say my name?" "Yes! What was that red thing?" "Oh that! That was my... err... flesh eating slug repellent! They've been attacking all the school cabbages" "Oh Hagrid, pleeease, we're not going to fall for that one again! There's no such thing as a flesh eating slug. "Gasp!" "No!" "We've all been deceived! "There are so flesh eating slugs!" said a hurt looking giant flesh eating slug... he was quickly escorted from the grounds (whilst he slowly and painfully devoured his escort in protest)  
  
"Okay, Okay! I'll be honest with you. That is called a Patriot Frisbee, its one of only two in the world, and it just so happens to be the key to all the answers as to how to bring down Lord he who must not be named very much. I was keeping it to give to Harry because this year an evil jackass has set out to curse him so he won't be able to defeat the curse and Lord he who must not be named very much without the patriot Frisbee. Harry's very existence depends on it! Which reminds me... did any of you see where it went?  
  
"I think the great snake thing devoured it along with Malfoy," said Hermoine with her superior sort of know it all voice blaring loudly. "Well duuuuh, 'ermoine" said Hagrid. "We all knew tha' " Hermoine gave a hurt sort of "Hmph" and folded her arms in silent sulking. "Well what shall we do now?" asked Ron, who up until that point had been picking his nose and observing what he found inside. "I suppose we better go after it," said Harry. "Alright, where did it go?" asked Ron, wiping his finger on his trousers. "I dunno...." The four all stood around for a moment, looking around with no particular enthusiasm. "Oi, I know, I'll asked this gentleman," said Ron, pointing behind the other three. He ran off. "'Cuse, me. We're looking for a giant snake type thing, have you seen one?" "Me?" asked the huge Snake type thing with a bowler hat and fake glasses and moustache. "Why no young man, I've seen no snake type thing around here, I must be off now...goodday to you," and with that the huge snake-type- thing slithered off.  
  
"Hmm, nice fellow but he hadn't seen any snake thing," said Ron as he returned to the group. "Well this is a dilly of a pickle, make no mistake," said Hagrid as he tugged thoughfully at his mass of bushy beard. Suddenly something dropped out from within its mattered folds and clinked to the ground. The four looked down to discover a golden circular shaped object. Much like a watch except on its face was a small radar.  
  
"Oi, will you look at tha', Oi've been lookin fur that," said Hagrid as he bent down top pick it up. "Its my snake type thing detecting watch, right handy should you want to find a snake type thing." The three kids looked at Hagrid with jaws dropped. "Wha?" asked Hagrid nonplussed.  
  
When they had each explained to Hagrid over a 10 minute period how that gadget might be handy in finding what they were looking for he hesitantly agreed to let them use it. "I still dun know how that could help us find a Snake-type thing...it only helps you find Snake-type....oh...now I see," he said as he lumbered behind them as they followed the radar to where they said a snake-type thing would be. The looked down on the little screen and they saw upon it, some distance from where the radar indicated they were, a small red dot indicating the snake like thing was moving slowly over the radar's grid.  
  
"Quickly! Before we lose its trail!" cried Hermoine who went running off east while all the rest, quite correctly, went running off west which was the direction the snake was going. After realizing her blunder she gave a hurt "hmph" and went speeding off after them. They started to close in on the red dot until finally it appeared as though they were standing right next to the snake-like-thing that for all intents and purposes we shall call a basilisk. They halted at the mouth of a rather large hole that was dug directly down into the school's grounds. The hole looked newly unearthed. "Gee," said Hagrid. "So where d'ya think that snake-thing went?"  
  
After hiring some special wizarding rope lift equipment, which really isn't all that different from normal muggle rope lift except it has a water-proof shower radio on it, they got ready to descend into the hole. "Well, Oim to big to be goin down thur, so I'll wait up 'ere and 'ave a bite of this sandwhich that I conviently carry around with me," said Hagrid who promptly sat down on the grass and ate his sandwich.  
  
The kids shrugged and all climbed into the rope lift and began down into the dark, somewhat foreboding hole. The only sounds they could hear was the squeaking of the cogs as the rope was pulled through and they went down deeper and of course Ron's heavy breathing. After a while Hermoine got so disgruntled that she began to twitch, you know...the way she does. This of course made the Rope lift sway slightly and this made Harry nervous. And whenever Harry gets nervous he finds it very hard to control the pitch of his voice.  
  
After a while Harry broke the silence rather uncomfortably. "So....HOW long DO YOU think WE have to go NOW??" "Oh no, Harry's nervous again," said Ron in a bored tone. "I AM not..." said Harry sheepishly. Suddenly the magic rope lift came to a halt as it hit the ground. The three kids stepped out and looked around. "Narrator, I can't see anything, so how can I get out and LOOK around if its pitch black in this hole?" asked Hermoine rather superiorly if I may say.  
  
Well Hermoine, you look around because I tell you to look around, I am the writer after all. "Well your not a very good one are you?" replied Hermoine insolently. My dear Hermoine, if you don't stop squawking I will have to put you in odd and embarrassing romantic situations with Crab during the course of this story and you wouldn't want that would you? Hermoine went deathly pale and shut right up. The narrator smiled with satisfaction and continued on with the story. Suddenly and quite conveniently a flash light appeared in Harry's hand. Why doesn't he just use his wand you may ask? Because that's frightfully unoriginal isn't it people? C'mon! Ok so anyway after a brief inspection of the bottom of the hole  
  
Harry discovered another circular passage way trailing off away from the original hole. The kids, being naturally curious as kids and cats alike both have a habit of being, they decided to follow the circular passage way. After fifteen minutes of walking, heavy breathing, twitching and erratic talking they spotted a dim yellow light at the end of the tunnel. They walked towards it, abandoning all thoughts of caution. After getting bored with walking they began to run, so eager were they to reach the eearie yellow light...sigh...how stupid are these kids? "Hey!" they all cried out in protest. Sorry kids, keep running. So they did until the yellow light became very bright in front of them. With all their speed they burst out of the tunnel and found themselves in a large chamber constructed from stone. It wall a round circular room, in it's very middle stood a large huddled figure, shadows veiled over it.  
  
"Hey, maybe we should ask that guy if he saw the snake thing," said Ron eagerly. Before Hermoine could roll her eyes the great figure reared up until it exposed its long thin, snake-like body. "Gee, he's tall," said Ron. The great figure gave a snarl and lashed out...  
  
Ron flashed the snake with a quick jinx, and whilst it had barely any physical effect, it left the snake dazed for a moment. 'That was odd!' exclaimed Ron, 'he seemed like such a nice man' 'Siahaseeheth!' cried Harry 'What did you say Harry?' said Hermione feeling very stressed 'Niahassiihie!' Cried Harry again in a snake like, hiss-y fashion. The snake, which until now had been excitedly stabbing a nearby statue with its long fangs, in its dazed state, turned around swayed slightly and conversed with Harry. Both Ron and Hermione had no idea what was going on and went into a corner to sulk. 'So anyway in Malfoy struts, and he says, I unlike you potter have been made a prefect, and I say, yeah? But you unlike me are a git so go away or you'll have me to deal with' 'No way!' cried the basilisk, who for all normal purposes we shall call Barry. 'Way!' Harry replied! 'And if you'll believe it I stood up and walked right over to him and said, ya clear on that Malfoy?' Harry acted this out, punching himself on the chest is a tough, superior way 'and Malfoy, just kind of wet himself and said, yes sir, very clear sir. And this chick Cho, she's pretty alright ya know... she was like oh Harry your so manly and tough!'  
  
"Wow, Harry! You're so cool!" Exclaimed Barry in awe. "Well ya know, Malfoy always been a bit of trouble for me, but I've always known how to deal with it" "Yeah! Like how ya got me to eat him? That was reeeeally clever Harry!" "which reminds me....well I need ya to spit him back out again, coz you kinda ate something else with it that was pretty important' Harry explained. ' that may explain why it tasted a bit funny....kind of like a red thing that has a knack of running into people named Harry who happen to be day dreaming atop their brooms?  
  
"NARRATOR?" what Hermione? "This story doesn't make any sense, if the snake and Harry are friends, why did the snake disguise himself and then try to attack us?" Silence! I am the storyteller! The morning and evening star! What I say goes! You shall get your bit just sit their, shut up, and don't ask any more questions OK??" "OK...I was just.."  
  
I said no more talking! This is hard ok! I just get no appreciation for the things I do anymore. You'd think they'd be grateful that I'd written this in the first place, where would they be without me? NOWHERE THAT'S WHERE!!!! Off in some chicks office waiting for their 6th year of Hogwarts to start that's where, like that's EVER gonna happen. You try to be funny, imaginative, interesting, but as soon as there is one tiny glich in the story is 'why didn't you do this?', 'it doesn't make any sense'...blah blah blah! Well ive had enough, if ya don't watch yaself I'll kill ya! I swear I'll do it! I'm on the edge! Hermione sat in a stunned silence, and then returned to the corner with Ron to sulk. That's much better Okay so where were we? That's right, well the snake and Harry were having a rollicking good time until they realized that they needed to cut Barry open in order to save the red thing which Harry's life so desperately depended on. After a tearful farewell Harry used a conveniently available sword to slice his precious companion open. Malfoy fell out covered in blood and in severe shock, but his heart was still beating.  
  
Harry tossed him aside and plunged his arm further into Barry's 50 ft stomach to look for the red thing. Finally after quite a disgusting yet enlightening tour of a Giant snakes innards he clasped his hand over a red thing, or what he thought was a red thing, however it was difficult to tell and he was inside a snake and it just so happened that giant snakes have bright red blood and Harry himself was now emitting a red glow however he emerged from Barry feeling triumphant and went to find Hermione and Ron... but they had dissapeard...  
  
Gasp! Horror! Shock! Eeep! Oh god! Are you serious? No way! Way! 'Hey who's saying that??' cried Harry in dismay! No-one... 'Huh?'  
  
It's your conscience! We haven't spoken in a while! "Oh please I'm not falling for that again...' cried Harry, now what's going on. Does Harry make it? Tune in next week on CBBL Radio... "Seriously! Who's saying that" Harry wept, feeling all alone in the world "I'm not crying, that's just a ...sweat!!!"  
  
Oh suuuuuure. Hermione and Ron meanwhile had been sitting in the corner sulking, feeling very left out. Hermione was tut-tut-ting in her tut-tut-ting way and Ron was gazing dopily into the abyss. Hermione then felt very annoyed with the way the story was going and unwisely challenged the almighty and wise Narrator. Once she climbed back into her corner thoroughly defeated she was quite shaken and very scared, quite like the time when Casmira heard explosions outside her room that were in no way related to fireworks.  
  
Ron, who had lost interest in the abyss, turned to Hermione who had glittery tears leaking down her rosy cheeks. "You know Hermione; you look very pretty when you're upset" "Oh shut up Ron, you make me sick" Replied Hermione, twitching yet again. Ron, feeling extremely rejected started to cry 'I'm not crying! It's just a skin condition!' Ron exclaimed! Suuuuuure.  
  
Hermione, who is mostly heartless, felt a sudden jolt in the left region of her chest which she was sure wasn't a cardiac arrest. She saw Ron in a new light, he was wonderful, magnificent! Punctual! "Punctual?" Beautiful! "Nice recovery" "well ya know Ron" Hermione whispered endearingly "you make me sick in a really nice way, and you really are positively adorable when you cry! I like a man who can express his feelings..." "really??? Oh Hermione!" "Oh Ron!" "Oh Hermione!" "Oh Ron! "Oh Hermione!" "Oh Ron!" "Oh Hermione!" "Oh Ron will you hurry up and kiss me??" Ron however grabbed Hermione by the hand and led her into a romantic, conveniently placed, secret chambers hidden in the underground lair where people called Harry could never find them. 'Oh Ron!' 'Oh Hermione!" Oh Elijah! "What?" Sorry had to have my plug... continue... 


End file.
